4/18/14 11:15 p.m.
He came back tonight. It was only for a few minutes with a mutual friend, but I wasn’t expecting it. Seeing him again made me furious at first. Then, it made me sad. It’s funny because I was thinking about him all day today. I usually don’t think about him that often anymore, but today was different. Maybe I really was expecting it. I don’t know. I can’t help but cry now that he is gone again, though. I feel like I’m being teased. He can’t keep doing this. He can’t leave me heartbroken for so long, and then decide to show up at my door step, smile on his face, laughing and playfully punching just like old times. I miss that smile more than anything. I just want him to stay and lay with me, just like old times. It’s not the same guy I used to know though. He’s different. There is something about him that just isn’t the same. He doesn’t have that spark in his eye that I grew to love so much. I miss that spark. He is still as handsome as he has always been. I believe that there is still beauty in him somewhere, but it’s buried deep down now. I wish that I could strip him of everything his peers have turned him into. Bare. I just want him to let his walls down for me again. I want to see him crouched down on the ground, head between his knees and his hands on his head. I want to see him at his worst, knowing he is about to break. I miss knowing he is a real person with real feelings and thoughts. I miss him so much, but I can’t stand him. Why did he come back tonight? Why am I so upset about him? I just wish I could look at him without remembering every little thing that has ever happened between me and him. I wish I could let go of all of the late night talks, the drunk conversations, and the nights we didn’t have to say anything to each other but we just knew. I don’t want to remember those summer days I spent trying to teach him how to swim or how we’d stay up till 6 in the morning watching netflix on the couch together. I don’t want to remember that. I wish I could just forget him. I love him. I’ve loved him for three years.